The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
