why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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