I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
