I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
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