yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
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I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
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dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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