If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I need a beard to bite.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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