the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize