I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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