Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
