How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
don't judge my taste in strippers
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
