i already hear my dad disowning me
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
