theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
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