everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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