I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
