he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
