she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
