the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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