made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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