Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
