I'm going to jail i love you
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
