It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
