just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
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He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
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The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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