So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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