yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
