I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Randomize
