farters have to be the big spoon...
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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