New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
