I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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