Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
