Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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