I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
