He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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