Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
