so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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