i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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