I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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