You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I just gargled with NyQuil
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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