if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
