you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
