umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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