He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
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Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
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Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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