You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
