Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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