I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
