Screwed.edu
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Randomize
