I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
