What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
