She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
there is puke in my bra ... again
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
