you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
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You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
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They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS