when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars