I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
4 words: hood of his car
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
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But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
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The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.