I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.