he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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