well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
