how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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