When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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