I just made out with a guy for $7.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
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I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
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I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.