i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Randomize
