I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
